Sketch Work

And you look. And you see.

It doesn’t matter what mood I’m in; when I see the Moon, a planet, or a star through a telescope I find myself in awe.

It’s an instant snap back into an “oh, yeah…wow” mood.

I want to always be a stargazer. 

It may be the Monster crash,

But I’m thinking a little outside of myself right now. I’m watching myself draw stickers for this children’s book I’m working on. I realized that I’m doing it for the sake of trying to put something good out there that kids and their parents can really enjoy.

Making these images come from my head and onto the screen feels good. I watch myself understand how spacial relationships work with completely fake objects. I’m getting a lot better. I’m already a lot better than I thought I could be when I started doing the illustrations. Feels good that I could really release something that may take off and become something that people enjoy. 

I realized on my birthday that I had always relied on humans to make the things I hope will exist. In a way, yes, I’ve been trying to be a creator. But, I think what I’m trying to get at is that it goes way deeper than that. I could be the person people rely on to make things exist. It doesn’t just have to be art.

I have to take things in the time that they are, but I think I want to learn math at some point in my life. I think it will help me figure out a lot of the abstractions in my head that I can’t quite reach yet. I also think it’s important for people with strong brains to use those brains to get a strong understanding of how math works. It’ll happen when I can’t take not knowing anymore.

Until then, I’m still chipping away at this book. I’ve got a set plan for getting the beta out pretty soon. Hopefully within 2 weeks. That’s what I’m shooting for. I’m also actively working to bring in some good cash to help facilitate opportunities that may arise. I had another realization that my lack of money has been a major mental block for me. I’m going to get some.

Then when I get this app released I will be getting more. Then I’ll be making more apps, and I’ll be bringing in more money. I’ll be able to buy time for things like math.

That’s exciting.

Enough. I’ve got 2 more odd shaped chairs to draw before I call it a day.

If you have any interest in understanding who/what I am, then check this out:

If you have any interest in understanding who/what I am, then check this out:

http://pespmc1.vub.ac.be/Papers/GiftedProblems.pdf

It hurts for me to read this because it fits so well.

It hurts because I can see the links to this “giftedness” and what makes me feel so lonely.

For all that I am capable of, there is one thing that I feel as though I’m not capable of, and it is one thing about me that I would change in a heartbeat if I had any idea HOW.

I don’t understand how it could ever be possible for someone to fall in love with me. 

That isn’t just wah wah forever alone speak. I’m being 100% literal. I don’t see any possibility of someone falling in love with me. “Like”, sure. I could see that. “Enjoy”, yes. “Love”, romantically. No. 

I see movies and tv shows and hear women talk about how they work so hard for the love of their man. How they would do anything for them. I see women stick with men who treat them like they are less than nothing because of “love”. I see men and women desperate for the attention of others. I see men and women unsatisfied by the love of just one other. I also see people who are extremely happy with each other. I don’t understand any of it, and it makes me feel nonhuman. 

It’s been over 5 years since I’ve had a kiss. 

I’m 27 going on 28. 

I’ve had 3 relationships.

1 was for 4 or 5 months in high school.

1 was for a little over a year in college.

1 was for 2/3 weeks in college.

None of these were really initiated by me. I was pursued. None of them were ended by me, and all of them were IMMEDIATELY followed up (or maybe there was some overlap) by the girl finding someone else.

The one thing I learned from these relationships is that I am not happy with being number 2 or 3 in someone’s heart. I’ve also learned (wrongly I’m certain), that I can’t seem to be anything other than a 2 or a 3. I won’t pursue someone who is obviously infatuated with someone else, because I’ll always lose. Or, if I were to be with them, they would still be infatuated with the other person…in which case I still lose.

I read comments from people who have been “single” for a week, a month, 2 months, about how they are so alone. How they will never find love again…Are you kidding me? 

I literally cannot postulate a relationship in the future. When I think of my future with anyone else, I get back NOTHING. You know YOU will love again, even if it isn’t as strong as what it once was. You know YOU will be loved again. I look at the possibilities of future relationships and I see impossibility.

I’m the only truly single person I know. I don’t have anyone calling me up or vying for my attention. I’m not calling anyone up trying to get them to love me or become infatuated with me. That has never been me.

And that singleness is unattractive. I get that. We are all creatures of relativity. If you see that someone is loved by another person, then they gain a certain amount of credibility. They gain a certain amount of attractiveness for no other reason than someone else has been able to love them, so maybe you could too.

I’m really, really single. And that kind of single is ugly.

What’s worse is that attractive women (and I’m not just talking about physical beauty here) bring about incredibly complex anxiety in me. These are not small words to me. This eats me alive.

And it all seems to stem from this “giftedness” that I hold. My brain just doesn’t work like average brains.

I’ve only met one person who seems to be remotely similar to me (environment and experience are major points of divergence methinks), and I’ve only read about one person who shares the same type of thought patterns as me, except he was a genius of the highest level.

It’s a desperate, lonely feeling. I’m not looking for pity and I’m not just gushing out sadness for the world to read. I just want to try to share how I work. 

I’m not without emotion.

I’m not without empathy.

I’m not unattainable.

All I need is an invitation.

I just don’t know what to do other than try to make myself grow with myself. The more I do it, the farther away I feel. I’m writing this in hopes of taking a couple of steps forwards rather than giant leaps back. I have no shame for being the person that I am. I’m not going to hide or try to make myself look like anything other than who/what I am. I am gifted, but I am also not.

I work, not to avoid other people, but because I have a need to fill my time up with something meaningful to me (please check out the link I provided for a better understanding of this). I will always try to make time if you want my company. I think maybe some people avoid contacting me because they think they would be bothering me or interrupting me. 

If somehow I have kids, and you’ve gone searching for your dad’s younger social entries, know that you were made by a man who sincerely loved/loves your mother. It is such an impossible thing for me to imagine, yet I am capable of hyper complex, hyper abstract imaginings…truly your mom must be an amazing woman, and above all else persistent to hold on to a person like me.

I learned 2 things on tonight’s run.

The Moon will always be the same moon. It was there when I was born. It’ll be there when I die. Anywhere I go on the planet will have the same moon to gaze upon. That’s beautiful. It’s a reminder that you are home, always.

If I can help it somehow, I would like to die under the stars. Surrounded by my Mothers and Fathers and Brothers and Sisters. That sounds morbid, maybe. It’s not. It’s beautiful.

Now a shower and more drawing.

Keep going, Simon.

Don’t forget that there are stars.

Been thinking a lot lately about who I am. What I am. How I am.

The answer to all of these questions seems to be “I just don’t know.”

I need a big win.

And a kiss.

I’ve got to do well and I’ve got to get out of here. There is so much beauty for me to see in this world, in this life. 

I’m missing a lot of it by being where I am. I’m thankful for what I have and what good I have around me, but this place is not for me. Work harder, Simon. Be more creative, Simon. Be happier, Simon. You can and you will do it.

You are doing it.

Born in a time of transition.

This is one of those times where I feel like I need to write something out. I feel like there is something major in me and I have to get it out of me. 

Usually I have an idea about what it is. This time, nope.

So we’re gonna do what the surrealists did and write whatever. The truth hides there. But the truth never stays hidden forever.

To create is to grow. Even in the times where it feels like you aren’t moving forward. Even in the times where you feel like you’re moving backwards. To create is to grow. Not just as an individual, but as a species. Maybe as a being.

There are 2 kinds of things I want to make.

1: Things that I understand, or don’t understand, in a very personal way, that can possibly get someone else thinking in a higher level if they try to experience it.

2: Things that bring intentional joy and satisfaction to the viewer.

I want to make things that are good for people. I want to make things that are good for me.

I have this faith, you see, and it is faith because I don’t really get to experience it as a reality, that the things I work hard on will someday be recognized by another human being. I don’t know if I already do this. People seem to be hard pressed to share deep personal insight for fear of looking foolish. Feeling foolish. Maybe feeling stupid.

But what’s stupid about honestly enjoying something? Where is the harm in telling someone that they did a great job if you in fact think that they did a great job? 

I don’t like it when people feel stupid. Whenever I put someone in a situation and I can tell they are feeling the pressure of not wanting to look or feel stupid, I’ll try to do something that would normally be really embarrassing. I’ll try to make it so that whatever it is they are going to do can’t be anywhere near as silly or dumb as what I just did. We are allowed to be dumb sometimes. We are allowed to be silly sometimes. 

I don’t want to grow up. 

I want to be self sufficient, but I don’t really want to grow up. I want to enjoy playing and thinking crazy hypotheticals. I want to make art and laugh a lot more than most grown ups do. I think that’s my biggest fear. Growing up and being a normal person.

Anything? Is there anything in here? I dunno. I don’t feel like I need to write anything else. The truth must be in there somewhere. Hiding.

Thanks for reading. 

This is going to sound like a complaint, but it ain’t

What I’ve heard all my life: Be good to others and people will treat you good. Do good things and good things will happen to you.

What I’ve seen all my life: Being bad to others makes people want you more. Doing bad things helps make good things happen to you faster.

To trust the ears or the eyes.

Ears or eyes.

I’m gonna trust my thumbs and go back to drawing this children’s book.

Be good to your friendlies. 

Be good to your self.

:)

The idea of finding someone who I will love and who will love me for who I am seems so much more impossible than creating a multi million dollar industry.

I feel like the only truly single person I know. No exes in the picture and no prospects for my future. 

Always an odd wheel.

Or perhaps a spare tire.

But that’s not the role I’m set on playing.

I’m going to keep working hard and building myself. I am going to continue on a path of self construction. I’m going to find success in the actions I find most fulfilling (which seems to be creating), and I’m not going to settle for anything less than a mountain top to look down from at the end of my life.

I hope I’m not alone up there, but there’s no way to know.

I don’t think I’ll be alone up there.

I won’t be alone up there.

Into Oblivion We March On

PixYPHUS (Ad-Free) and PixYPHUS HD (Ad-Free) will now be free until the iTunes Developer Account it’s on ceases to exist in August or until I delete it to make way for my next big move. Please share these links with people you know. I worked very hard on this game and it’s free now and won’t be around for very long.

http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/pixyphus-ad-free/id427436691?mt=8

http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/pixyphus-hd-ad-free/id429257462?mt=8

Simon

You’re doing something good. You’re having a hard time right now, but the way out is through. You’re learning. You’ll know more when you finish this first pass. Keep motivated. This could be a good thing for you.

So, my decision to focus on children’s books for a while actually feels pretty good. I feel like I’m going to be able to pass on some of the joy I received as a child and never really grew up from. Yes, it’s simple. But sometimes that’s awesome. And if I only reach a couple of people in this lifetime, well that’s better than none.

Keep motivated, Simon. You have a lot of work to do.

Also, smile more.

1st, 3rd, 5th, 7th.